Chapter 3
All This and Heaven Too
As I enter the kitchen, I am greeted by women who all shower me with compliments and words of envy. This is something I always hear, for these women are never permitted to leave the kitchen, the evil doing of my parents. I love them all, but because they are poor and seen as street rats, Mother does not trust them. She fears they will steal from us, and when I found out that, I would often run down to their rooms at night and give them some of my money. I wanted to provide them with a way they could have a chance in the future, or buy something for themselves if they ever went into town.
I have always tried to be kind to them, though I have yet to learn their names. I always forget to ask, as whenever I see them, it is quick, and I cannot be seen. Even now, as I walk past the kitchens to step out through the back door, I am trying not to be caught being kind to them. I worry mother would fire them because they are kind to me, and that is not something she approves of.
Stepping outside finally, I began the short walk to the carriage house. These walks are rather infrequent; however, whenever I can find a way to slip out of the house without a chaperone, I cherish the silence. These are the few moments when I can let the truth of life wash over me. I will marry Alexander in the coming months. I will take his name and give him many children, and this will allow the wealth of my father and Alexander’s family to live on. These walks to the carriage house, or through the gardens, are the only time I am ever allowed to be free of their gaze and control, and thankfully, though Flora will often accompany me on these walks. She is the only person in my life who genuinely cares about me. She holds me when I cry and wipes the tears from my eyes. I am never truly alone, even if I feel that way.
By the time I arrived at the carriage house, I took another deep breath and walked in. I see the carriage I will be leaving in is being readied, as the driver is performing the final touches, wiping everything down, and ensuring everything is in good condition.
“Lady Catherine. If I may be so bold, you look truly enchanting. Mr. Alexander is truly blessed to marry a woman of your beauty,” as Alfred spoke, he gave a slight bow out of courtesy.
“Oh, Alfred, thank you. You are too kind,” I give him a polite curtsy before walking toward the location of the adjoining stables. “Do you think Spirit will be okay to take up to the party?” I assume Alfred would know, as we are both aware that Spirit is not fond of pulling a carriage, but I am hoping he can work with us today.
“I believe he should be willing to work with us. I did give him a few carrots as a way to bribe him to work with us. I intend to disconnect him from the carriage once we arrive, so he can relax, and it will not add too much stress. He was all given a nice bath, so he is groomed and looking perfect for today.” Alfred spoke with confidence, and that does put me at ease a bit. Hopefully, this does not cause him much stress, as I would hate to put that on him. “He is inside, go in and take a look. He is cleaned up and eating some more carrots.” He waves his hand in the direction of the stables before going back to cleaning the carriage exterior of dust and dirt.
Walking in, I see him there, happily eating his food. Though he is not showing it, you can tell he is smiling. That makes me happy in the end, as that is all I want for him. He is an older horse now, so I know this is not going to be an easy task for him in the end, but I am hoping he can pull through quite fine. As I walk over to him and start to pet him, he stops eating and gives me a few playful nips at my hands, then a few kisses before going back to eating.
As I continue to pet Spirit, I hear some talking outside. It is soft, which is odd since I am not that far away from Alfred, but he is clearly talking to someone in secret. I assume it may be a stable boy or worker within the carriage house who he is asking to fetch something for him. I am curious, but I pay it no mind.
“Oh, Spirit, thank you for being a good sport. I do hope you can work with us and get us to and from the party safely. It should not take that long, and when we get back, I will make sure you have all the corn, carrots, and oats you could dream of.” I know that will make him happy, hopefully.
“Catherine, are you in here?”
“Flora? Is that you?”
“Oh, Catherine, good you are here. I was worried about how you were after you walked away. I had some come find you.” As she walks in, you can see that she has been crying a bit, as her eyes are slightly red, and her cheeks are a bit damp. “I’m sorry. Ella is gathering the dress like you asked, but I had to come and see you. I would not be at peace until I was sure you were okay.” She walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me, holding me in her warm embrace. She does this often. She is my chum, at least that is what we tell everyone.
“Dearest Flora, I will be alright. As long as I have you by my side, everything will be okay.” As I speak, I take my right hand, placing it under her chin to lift her head so she can face me. “Please look at me. You know I care about you. You are my friend. My chum. My love.” I wipe the tears from her cheeks before giving her a gentle peck on each of them.
“I know, but I worry. You are to be engaged officially in the matter in hours. We theoretically cannot be chums anymore, as you have been properly courted. I want to be happy for you, but I know that in the end, you won’t have the life you want. Will you actually be happy, Catherine? Tell me the truth?” Flora is begging, and I can see the tears welling up in her eyes more. This breaks my heart, as I do love her and care about her deeply. I wish I could give her an honest answer to put her mind at ease, but I am unsure what to say.
I am unsure of what would even quell her fears, let alone what would quell mine. The last five years have consisted of Flora by my side in every way. She is my friend and someone I care for deeply. We attended finishing school together, as I demanded it be allowed by my father, or I would purposefully find a way to be expelled. As time went on, we became closer, not just friends, but more. We became affectionate with one another. Holding hands and sneaking kisses when no one was looking, but we stopped hiding it more and more. As that happened, that affection only grew more as time went on. Often she would share the same bed as me and lie in my arms, even if Alexander was present. We would get odd looks, but we were simply called “chums,” or it was said we were “chuckaboos,” but nothing more was said.
It was not a simple relationship. It was not a friendship. It was much more than that. Flora lives within my heart. Carving out a space for only herself and her love and adoration. She made herself at home in my arms and my heart.
“Flora, my dearest Flora. Look at me, please. I do not know what this may mean, nor do I know how this will work in the future, but we will make it work. Wherever I go, you go. We are one. I promised you that many times when we kissed each other goodnight. You are my love, and I will not leave you simply because I am to be wed to Alexander. Where I go, you go. I promise.” I take a step back and grab Flora’s hands with mine, holding them tightly.
I can finally take everything in, not just her saddened face, but the way her light auburn hair cascaded gracefully down her back, with some small curls lying on her shoulder. I never even noticed that her dress was sky blue, with a tinge of grey. French lace adorns the ruffles and layers, outlining her delicate frame, while also adding more life to the beautiful silk gown. This is the same dress she wore when I first met her all those years ago. Though this is likely an altered version, it is very similar. She looks beautiful. Her pale skin flushed as she had been crying, and the slight tint of red contrasts sharply with her gown, but complements her hair.
I take the glove off her left hand and lift her hand to my lips, where I then kiss her ring finger. “Flora Godwin, you will always be in my life, and you will always be by my side. I promise you that. Please believe me.” I kiss her ring finger again, before opening my eyes, and catch a glimpse of tears slowly rolling down her cheeks again.
“You swear? You swear that you will never leave me, Catherine? You are all I have, and I cannot lose you in the end. I do not wish to be alone again. I want you to be happy, but if that happiness is with Alexander, please let me stay by your side. Please don’t leave me,” she continues to cry, and it becomes increasingly clear to me that she does actually love me. Though this revelation does excite me, I cannot risk hurting her, as I am set to be wed to another. How I wish I could prevent this heartache and keep her in my arms forever. Keep her in my heart till my last breath.
“Come. Cheer up, please. We need to finish getting ready as we need to leave soon, my dearest Flora. I cannot have the world see you crying. Let me take you inside and have Ella clean you up a bit, then we can be off to that dreadful party,” I lean in and kiss her soft, rosy lips, letting the moment linger, before I kiss her one more time for good measure. “I will never let go. I Promise.”
As I turn to walk, holding on tight to Flora’s hand, I look at her and see that she is in real pain from her heartbreak, while also trying to enjoy that I kissed her. I give her hand a gentle tug, motioning that we need to walk together back to the manor quickly so we can leave. I am not even worried about getting changed. I need to make sure Flora will be okay. I need her to help put her mind at ease and allow her to feel safe and loved. This may not be a day she wants, and it is not one I am quite fond of either, but we both need to put on a brave face and not let the world see us cry.
I started for the door, flung it open, and was relieved to feel the cool, calm air of the rest of the house —the natural beauty of the place when my parents are no longer present, bickering over simple, quarrelsome things. There is always an eerie silence that falls over the halls of the manor the moment my family is no longer present, and though it may be a bit unnerving. It is always welcome. Passing by the kitchen staff, they seem even happier, a true confirmation that the Lord and Lady of the house are gone. Finally.
“Come on, darling. Ella should be up in my room waiting. Let us get you cleaned up and hide your tears. They do not deserve to see them. Just hold my hand, and I will lead the way, my love. Please, Flora, please trust me.” Her hand still in mine, I guide her up the winding servant stairs toward the fourth floor.
Normally a forgotten realm where I was banished to, but my sanctuary where Flora can be in my arms at all times. Sipping tea in the turret room that is connected to my sitting room. Plush sofas for us to relax on, and watch the world pass by as we live in our fairytale. Lock away in a tower. Cut off from the world around us. Normally, I am not allowed to enjoy many luxuries, but on occasion, I have had things brought in to make exile more livable. Each item I have brought in is selected not only to make life comfortable, but also to make Flora happy as well. I love seeing her smile, as it is bright enough to light up every room she walks in.
Ever since the day I met her at Ms. Hannigan’s Finishing School, she has never left my side. She became my friend and my world. The only reason I am still alive at this point. Every day, more of my life is stripped away, no prospects of a future, no chance of happiness. I will only be a wife. No more, no less. But with Flora, I don’t worry, and those fears are not a major concern. I am enough in her eyes. I have no flaws, and she sees me as someone worthy of love.
“Ella! Ella, come here, I need you to help us quickly!” I shout as we reach the fourth floor, hopefully she will hear us, but I also hope Constance and Quintessence will hear as well. I need everyone’s help. “Ella, please come help me quickly! Flora, don’t you worry, we will make sure everything is perfect. We will get you cleaned up, and everyone can bask in your beauty and grace. Don’t worry, my darling.” I am a bit nervous and worried, but I still want to ensure see is okay.
“Lady Catherine? I thought you had left already? What is wrong?” As Ella comes into the hallway, she sees me, but eventually, she sees Flora in my arms, and her focus moves to her. “Oh dear Flora, what happened? Why have you been crying? Constance, Quinny, come here now! I know you can hear me, you nosey twins. Now is not the time to be nosey, you need to come here and help us!” Ella is typically a kind and sweet individual, but she can also have a sharp tongue. She can see something is wrong, but she will not ask questions, as she understands what the goal is currently.
“Ella, please take Flora and help me not only calm her, but clean her up a bit. I need the twins to help me get changed. I don’t want to crimson dress, but the royal blue one instead. It will look beautiful and complement the lighter, more icy blues Flora is wearing. Also, ask for a small thing of tea to be brought up for Flora as well. Thank you.” I take Flora’s hand and gently place it in Ella’s before rushing by toward my bedroom so I can be changed. “We need to move quickly, as I cannot afford to be too late to this damn party. I am already in trouble enough as it is. I cannot make it worse than I know it already is. Please, we need to move quickly. Where are the damn twins!” They are always around, whether you need them or not, but now they appear to be hiding.
“Coming, Lady Catherine. Our Apologies.” Constance runs into the room and starts helping me get my dress off, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Quinny run to assist Ella.
“Thank you, Constance. We need to get me changed into the royal blue dress, and please bring my sapphires as well. I want to make sure I match Flora in the end.” I make sure I am standing in a way that will allow Constance to untie my corset more easily, as I steady myself against one of the posts on my bed. My eyes still linger over toward Flora, who is sitting in the turret room with Ella. My heart is breaking, and the only concern I have is how I can prevent hers from breaking more.
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you inspired me, what a great read